From the Times Herald-Record of Middletown, NY:  A man facing a felony driving-while -intoxicated charge showed up at Court with a bag full of beer — and was thrown in jail without bail.  Keith Gruber, 49, had a scheduled 10:30 a.m. pretrial hearing.  Gruber came to court about an hour and a half late carrying a black bag that contained four cans of beer.  He also was carrying an open can and was obviously drunk, officials said.  He tried to throw away the can, but officers stopped him.

The bag was confiscated by court officers at the security check and was presented to the Judge, who asked Gruber if he enjoyed his “liquid lunch.” Gruber indicated he did and said he was sorry.   He was promptly jailed without bail.

I wonder if he had a nice wine with dinner?

Sometimes you just can’t make these things up.

It seems that a Chicago car salesman named Stone was fired for wearing a Green Bay Packers tie to work the day after the Packers beat the Bears in the NFC Championship game.   Stone said he wore the tie at on Monday in part to honor his 91-year-old grandmother, a Packers fan who died this month.  Stone said that when he showed up at work, general manager Jerry Roberts called him over to his office and told him he would be fired if he didn’t take off his tie. Stone said he thought Roberts was joking and went back to work.

An hour later, Stone said, Roberts came to the showroom floor and again demanded he take off the tie. When he didn’t, he was fired.  “I didn’t know you could get fired for wearing a tie,” Stone said.  The general manager later confirmed the reason for the termination on TV.  He said the dealership had previously done promotions involving the Chicago Bears. “I don’t feel that it was appropriate for him to go directly in contrast with an advertising campaign that we spent a lot of money on,” Roberts told a reporter.  But Stone said Roberts’ reasons for firing him were never made clear to him, nor did he get a chance to explain the tie’s emotional significance.

Roberts told WGN-Ch. 9 that he didn’t know that Stone’s grandmother was a Packers fan (like that would have made any difference).

In my experience, being a Packers’ fan is very much like being part of a religious cult, so maybe Stone can sue for religious discrimination?  Or perhaps its really a mental disability?  (Sorry Packers’ fans).

Hat Tip:  Workplace Prof Blog

Sometimes you just can’t make this stuff up.  CareerBuilder released a survey this week of more than 2,400 hiring managers which listed some of the most outrageous and common mistakes that job candidates have made in job interviews.

When asked what the most outrageous blunders they had encountered interviewing candidates were, hiring managers reported the following:

• Provided a detailed listing of how previous employer made them mad.
• Hugged hiring manager at the end of the interview.
• Ate all the candy from the candy bowl while trying to answer questions.
• Constantly bad mouthed spouse.
• Blew her nose and lined up the used tissues on the table in front of her.
• Brought a copy of a college diploma that had obviously been white-outed and his name added.
• Wore a hat that said “take this job and shove it.”
• Talked about how an affair had cost him a previous job.
• Threw his beer can in the outside trashcan before coming into the reception office.

In addition to the most unusual gaffes, employers shared the most common mistakes candidates made during an interview:

• Answering a cell phone or texting during the interview – 71 percent
• Dressing inappropriately – 69 percent
• Appearing disinterested – 69 percent
• Appearing arrogant – 66 percent
• Speaking negatively about a current or previous employer – 63 percent
• Chewing gum – 59 percent

And if you like those, you’ll love these funniest interview answers.

 This article in the Legal Intelligencer probably falls in the “duh” category, but I link to it as a public service to all of my law firm readers.  According to Molly Peckman, director of associate development at Dechert , you know it’s time to leave your firm when:

• You start drinking on the job
• You are abusing drugs, including legal ones like nicotine, caffeine, ibuprofen, cough syrup and antacids
• You start swearing more than usual
• You find yourself crying or getting nauseous at work (or when thinking about work)
• The best part of the day is discovering leftover pizza or cookies in a conference room
• You spend time fantasizing about co-worker misfortune and disfigurement
• You keep breaking out in rashes

With all due respect to Ms. Peckman, that is a good start, but I think there are some other signs that perhaps a career change is in order.  For instance:

• You find yourself wanting to vandalize the managing partner’s car
• You hide under your desk whenever your phone rings
• You avoid using the bathroom for fear of whom you might run into
• You have considered suing your law school for “false misrepresentation” and “intentional infliction of emotional distress”

I’m sure there are other signs; anyone care to share?

First, a Minnesota lawyer has been suspended by the state Supreme Court for a year because he lied about the fact that his client had died during settlement negotiations.   In fact, 3 months after his clients’ death, he sent an email to the lawyer for the other side claiming that the client was only ”hospitalized”.  Apparently, he forgot that a lawyer has an obligation to notify the opposing party and the court right away if his client dies.

Second, two women were arrested last weekend trying to board a plane at Liverpool’s John Lennon Airport when check-in agents realized that the elderly man in the wheelchair with them was not breathing.  The women claimed that he was “just resting”.   “He was pale, but he wasn’t dead.”

It didn’t work in the Monty Python skit either:   dead parrot skit.  

Lighten up: it was just an April Fools Day gag.

Thanks to the Under the Radar blog, here is a very useful guide (which includes some off-color language) to corporate-speak, including such classics as: “Open the Kimono”, “Agree to Disagree”, “It Is What It Is” and “Ping”.

It’s not only lawyers who endanger the English language!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, 
 
“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” 
 
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. 
 
“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a lawyer.” 
 
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?” 
 
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.” 
 
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a businesswoman.” 
 
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?” 
 
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”